Adventures in Patriotism: End Game

The Suffra twitched on his gurney, flipping and flopping in his sleep as the curtains around him began to shake. A break in the curtains let through a beam of light.

I woke up and stared at a silhouette, backlit to look like an angel. A wave of calm passed over my body and my pupils grew wide attempting to adjust to the light. Face to face with this awe-inspiring image, I cleared my throat to speak...

"What the fuck you?" I shouted,” Close the fucking thing cause the shit's in my eyes."

The figure glided towards the bed, its feet barely scraping the ground like water sliding on satin. A hand touched my forehead...

"Dr. Love?" I muttered, and the world went dark as she slipped on an elbow length latex glove

"Pull down your pants, tuck in your knees to your chest, lay on your side and spread your cheeks,"

Somewhere in another wing of the hospital, the Blood Mummy was lying on a linoleum floor, with her hands holding a blood drenched towel over her eyes. She pointed up at the vending machine,

"So I think I’m sobering up now, and I'm starting to feel some pain," She touched the glass pleadingly, "Do you think you can give me something for the pain?"

A candy fell from the top shelf, careened through the machine and shot the Mummy directly in the face.

"Charleston Chew?" She said confused, "CHARLSTON FUCKING CHEW?," She began to get angry, "WHAT THE FUCK, WHO THE... CHARLSTON FUCKING CHEW? WHO EATS THIS SHIT?"

The mummy got angry and stood up. She swiveled around the room screaming in all directions, "SOMEBODY BETTER FIX ME SOON. I SWEAR TO GOD, if I have to spend one more minute in this is redundant fucking story I'm gonna beat some ass..."

Back at the car, The Suffra was trying to straddle the driver's seat cowboy style.

"FUCK YOU ASSHOLE."

"Oh good, I thought I lost you," The Suffra replied, "How'd it go? They fix you?"

The mummy leaned forward and parted her hair to show her new battle scars...

"What the fuck is that?"

"A janitor took pity on me and stapled my head back together."

"Smooth, and he used a swingline. Only the best," I replied

"I hate you," She muttered turning to look out the window, "I'm hungry."

"I got some jelly in my pants."


The End