"That was it," I thought, "that was the last time. They can go fuck themselves now."
Seven thirty in the morning and I was sitting up straight on my futon. I'd lay it flat like a bed at night but a chill from the large windows above makes it impossible to sleep, so I keep up the back and roll into it head first at night , curling up in a cotton sheet and and bracing myself so tight for every breeze that I wake up with lockjaw and a stiff neck.
I hear some noise from the neighboors above me, which is reasonable. Nearly every day they blow the circuit breaker, shutting down my one light and crashing my computer in the most harmful way possible. More often that I'd like I find myself stumbling in the pitch black before daybreak trying to snake my hands onto the breaker switches.
"fuck this place," I thought as I stubbed my toe. recalling the landlord explaining that I control the circuit breaker.
"you're in charge of this," the ass hat said to me, like I was supposed to fall on one knee weeping and groping at his cashmere coat like a lowly child who managed to free the sword from the stone.
"what a great fuckin honor," I thought naked in the dark with one hand cupping my cock just incase I walked balls first into a wall, or I met up with a small mouse.
"EXCUSE ME?" I hear muffled behind the door to the main stairwell. They want me to flip the switch again, like I do everytime they cause this massive power failure.
I feed on my rage. Images of all the tenants in the apartment waking up at 6 am sharp, and jumping off the bed to a mad dash, so they can see how many appliances they can turn on before the circuit box sizzles for a second and snaps quietly.
I have nightmares of that sound, that quick click that goes off ensuring that I would need to stand up within five minutes.
"Excuse me?" I hear it again, only this time they're trying to get in. I see something snaking through the crack in the door, probably thinking they're gonna lift the latch which doesn't exist.
"I wonder if they think they can open a deadlock like that?" I ponder for a moment, and decide that the moment is much to perfect to let waste.
I slide the lock open while I watch a credit card poke wildly about, and I walk quickly and quietly down the hallway to a dark corner.
From my crevice I watch as the door pops open, and out walk what I can only describe as two tourists, morbidly obese so they have to walk sideways single file through the doorway.
"See honey?" the gentleman said, " I used to do it all the time when I was younger."
I shook my head assuming that he meant popping a piece of plastic into a random slot until someone opened a door for him.
These people are the reason why the rest of the world hates America. These people are the reason that street merchants rip you off in Europe. These two are always there, five minutes before you, standing in front of any of the wonders of the world, only taking their fat faces out from behind the camera long enough to complain to one another about how Europe should air condition the streets. Willfully ignorant, and overly arrogant they parade around every corner of the world defiling and defaming everything good about being an American.
"Hey howsit goin?" I say, pulling up my shoulders to my ears for a second and putting on the full "downstate" accent.
"downstate" they call it, like they're wiping a piece of shit off the roof of their mouth, looking down condescendingly. I'd love to see what these two assholes would do if the "downstate" decided to break off from them. If we just once took all our toys and went home, let them try to live on their own, we'd see how quick they are to show some respect for the only part of their god damned state that brings any money to the table, brings any valor to the name New York.
"Oh, sorry... we didn't know anyone lived down here," the female said, almost speaking entirely through her nostrils.
you always have that one thing you want to say in situations such as this, I wanted to say that I doubt they were so stupid to believe that circuit breakers turned themselves back on after they overloaded it microwaving pork fat to put in their cereal, but in situations dealing with people you are going to live with, you have to bite your tongue a little, so I just turned to them and said,
"I doubt that your so stupid to believe that circuit breakers turn themselves back on after you overload it microwaving pork fat to put in your cereal," fuck it, they woke me up, " fuck heads," I added in last minute like a dash of pepper.
"can you please put some clothes on in front of my wife,"
I thought about the man's request for a moment, then let one go... as loud as I could.
I managed to wedge myself between their two double wide asses and the breaker box, and stared at them quietly, letting them know they wouldn't be getting their electricity back any time soon.
It felt like hours before they realized that I"m halfway retarded and completely out of my god damned mind, but eventually they made their way back up to their apartment, closing the door behind them... and trying to relock it with the credit card.
It's been about a month now since that day, and I still giggle when I hear one of the two porkers stumble over a chair in the dark, cracking their head on the hard wood floor. It only gets funnier when the ambulance comes.
Seven thirty in the morning and I was sitting up straight on my futon. I'd lay it flat like a bed at night but a chill from the large windows above makes it impossible to sleep, so I keep up the back and roll into it head first at night , curling up in a cotton sheet and and bracing myself so tight for every breeze that I wake up with lockjaw and a stiff neck.
I hear some noise from the neighboors above me, which is reasonable. Nearly every day they blow the circuit breaker, shutting down my one light and crashing my computer in the most harmful way possible. More often that I'd like I find myself stumbling in the pitch black before daybreak trying to snake my hands onto the breaker switches.
"fuck this place," I thought as I stubbed my toe. recalling the landlord explaining that I control the circuit breaker.
"you're in charge of this," the ass hat said to me, like I was supposed to fall on one knee weeping and groping at his cashmere coat like a lowly child who managed to free the sword from the stone.
"what a great fuckin honor," I thought naked in the dark with one hand cupping my cock just incase I walked balls first into a wall, or I met up with a small mouse.
"EXCUSE ME?" I hear muffled behind the door to the main stairwell. They want me to flip the switch again, like I do everytime they cause this massive power failure.
I feed on my rage. Images of all the tenants in the apartment waking up at 6 am sharp, and jumping off the bed to a mad dash, so they can see how many appliances they can turn on before the circuit box sizzles for a second and snaps quietly.
I have nightmares of that sound, that quick click that goes off ensuring that I would need to stand up within five minutes.
"Excuse me?" I hear it again, only this time they're trying to get in. I see something snaking through the crack in the door, probably thinking they're gonna lift the latch which doesn't exist.
"I wonder if they think they can open a deadlock like that?" I ponder for a moment, and decide that the moment is much to perfect to let waste.
I slide the lock open while I watch a credit card poke wildly about, and I walk quickly and quietly down the hallway to a dark corner.
From my crevice I watch as the door pops open, and out walk what I can only describe as two tourists, morbidly obese so they have to walk sideways single file through the doorway.
"See honey?" the gentleman said, " I used to do it all the time when I was younger."
I shook my head assuming that he meant popping a piece of plastic into a random slot until someone opened a door for him.
These people are the reason why the rest of the world hates America. These people are the reason that street merchants rip you off in Europe. These two are always there, five minutes before you, standing in front of any of the wonders of the world, only taking their fat faces out from behind the camera long enough to complain to one another about how Europe should air condition the streets. Willfully ignorant, and overly arrogant they parade around every corner of the world defiling and defaming everything good about being an American.
"Hey howsit goin?" I say, pulling up my shoulders to my ears for a second and putting on the full "downstate" accent.
"downstate" they call it, like they're wiping a piece of shit off the roof of their mouth, looking down condescendingly. I'd love to see what these two assholes would do if the "downstate" decided to break off from them. If we just once took all our toys and went home, let them try to live on their own, we'd see how quick they are to show some respect for the only part of their god damned state that brings any money to the table, brings any valor to the name New York.
"Oh, sorry... we didn't know anyone lived down here," the female said, almost speaking entirely through her nostrils.
you always have that one thing you want to say in situations such as this, I wanted to say that I doubt they were so stupid to believe that circuit breakers turned themselves back on after they overloaded it microwaving pork fat to put in their cereal, but in situations dealing with people you are going to live with, you have to bite your tongue a little, so I just turned to them and said,
"I doubt that your so stupid to believe that circuit breakers turn themselves back on after you overload it microwaving pork fat to put in your cereal," fuck it, they woke me up, " fuck heads," I added in last minute like a dash of pepper.
"can you please put some clothes on in front of my wife,"
I thought about the man's request for a moment, then let one go... as loud as I could.
I managed to wedge myself between their two double wide asses and the breaker box, and stared at them quietly, letting them know they wouldn't be getting their electricity back any time soon.
It felt like hours before they realized that I"m halfway retarded and completely out of my god damned mind, but eventually they made their way back up to their apartment, closing the door behind them... and trying to relock it with the credit card.
It's been about a month now since that day, and I still giggle when I hear one of the two porkers stumble over a chair in the dark, cracking their head on the hard wood floor. It only gets funnier when the ambulance comes.
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