Borrowing from cheap horror movie plot devices, I made my way back home to a quiet reception of a still sleeping dog and nothing else.

Reflecting on the journey back I consider the bureaucracy of the afterlife.

"No god, no heaven, no hell," I say to the snoring pup, her black face now speckled with gray hairs...

"It's just a bunch of lines and paperwork, and meaningless hoops," the dog's fart seems to concur.

"I'd suspect more people would be back if you didn't have to jump that shark just to get to the office where you sell yourself out.."
I light two cigarettes and pour two cups of coffee that sat stale in the pot and completely devour all four in an impressive display of gluttony.

"I should do something funny soon"

something wicked this way comes...

He wanted to imagine that raindrops would fall slowly onto his casket from a few lingering clouds on an otherwise sunny day...

He wanted to imagine that the day wouldn’t just seem longer for some, but be longer for everyone. He hoped that his passing would be a wrench in the works, slowing down the gears of time, even just for a day.

He didn’t plan for this day, but he had it planned. The day was to be marked by throngs of followers lining the streets of his procession. There were supposed to be masses of people visible from space.

Maybe, he hoped, Just maybe, an astronaut looking down on New York would radio down to Houston and let them know that the Great Wall broke free and made it across the Atlantic, and all the land in between, causing just one last moment of chaos before he was forgotten.

Unfortunately, not many things go on as planned. There was no rain, no lingering day, and no hoards of mourners, there wasn’t even a casket. Thanks to a group of close friends, who decided to make good on a childhood promise, he got the sending off he asked for when he was only 16 years old.

A crane suspended his lifeless body in mid air, rigor mortis leaving him in a gnarled position decided on by his younger self. A slight breeze entered the room sending his plaid shirt fluttering and dancing over his khaki pants hovering below and covering his sandals.

They lowered him slowly, until his toes just skimmed to the surface, impervious to the heat as it crept up his shin and made its way to his head. As if the breeze froze in mid air, his clothing stopped waving inch by inch, as it was devoured completely. Soon his neck was all that was left, then his chin, and a sewed on cigarette was taken under too just before his head was swallowed.

No one was there, he saw to that personally with every wrong choice he made, or knee jerk impulse he didn’t suppress. His words, his sarcasm, his actions, ensured that the ceremony was as private as possible. There were no tears; there was no grieving, not from the men operating the lift, and certainly not from the guest of honor. The beginning of the festivities had ended, and in a few short days, everything would be complete.

In less than a week it was done. Now, On the peak of a mediocre hill, in a no name town, on a nothing island, stands a statue like no one has ever seen. With a cigarette in his mouth, his arm extended with his middle finger up on the hand not holding a copper dipped glass of scotch, and a placard that simply reads, “It was painful, and it was slow,” stands The Suffra, waving good-bye

“The book is open and the hand writes”

"Here's to the end"

Adventures in Patriotism: End Game

The Suffra twitched on his gurney, flipping and flopping in his sleep as the curtains around him began to shake. A break in the curtains let through a beam of light.

I woke up and stared at a silhouette, backlit to look like an angel. A wave of calm passed over my body and my pupils grew wide attempting to adjust to the light. Face to face with this awe-inspiring image, I cleared my throat to speak...

"What the fuck you?" I shouted,” Close the fucking thing cause the shit's in my eyes."

The figure glided towards the bed, its feet barely scraping the ground like water sliding on satin. A hand touched my forehead...

"Dr. Love?" I muttered, and the world went dark as she slipped on an elbow length latex glove

"Pull down your pants, tuck in your knees to your chest, lay on your side and spread your cheeks,"

Somewhere in another wing of the hospital, the Blood Mummy was lying on a linoleum floor, with her hands holding a blood drenched towel over her eyes. She pointed up at the vending machine,

"So I think I’m sobering up now, and I'm starting to feel some pain," She touched the glass pleadingly, "Do you think you can give me something for the pain?"

A candy fell from the top shelf, careened through the machine and shot the Mummy directly in the face.

"Charleston Chew?" She said confused, "CHARLSTON FUCKING CHEW?," She began to get angry, "WHAT THE FUCK, WHO THE... CHARLSTON FUCKING CHEW? WHO EATS THIS SHIT?"

The mummy got angry and stood up. She swiveled around the room screaming in all directions, "SOMEBODY BETTER FIX ME SOON. I SWEAR TO GOD, if I have to spend one more minute in this is redundant fucking story I'm gonna beat some ass..."

Back at the car, The Suffra was trying to straddle the driver's seat cowboy style.

"FUCK YOU ASSHOLE."

"Oh good, I thought I lost you," The Suffra replied, "How'd it go? They fix you?"

The mummy leaned forward and parted her hair to show her new battle scars...

"What the fuck is that?"

"A janitor took pity on me and stapled my head back together."

"Smooth, and he used a swingline. Only the best," I replied

"I hate you," She muttered turning to look out the window, "I'm hungry."

"I got some jelly in my pants."


The End

end this now...
death to the fourth of July to follow

Adventures in Patriotism III:


A recent downpour brought the stink of the sea towards the outside of the hospital entrance where The Suffra sat, rubbing his eyelids with his pointer and thumb and smoking a cigarette.

"It stinks of rotting fish out here," I screamed at the queue of cars pulling through the emergancy entrance.

"Is that your baby's momma in there?" I was asked by a portly woman, reminding me that in my haste I chose to go to the closer hospital in the lower class neighborhood.

I looked through the large plate glass window. Inside I saw the Blood Mummy. She had a beach blanket wrapped around her face, and was swaying gently back and forth as she sat inside the waiting room.

Tapping on the window, I screamed " YOU FALL ASLEEP YOU DIE. GET IT?," and watched as she held up her hand and gave the thumbs up to the coffee machine. Then her body went immediatly limp, and her head cracked then rested on the wall behind her.

"You're a good daddy," The jovial woman chimed in again, "My baby's daddy used to take me to the hospital after he threw me down the stairs."

I let out a groan, hoping that it would clearly convey how badly I did not want tohave a conversation with this woman. Thinking it did the trick, I went back to rubbing my eyelids and took another drag of my cigarette.

"I'm real stoned, and my baby's daddy needs emergency tooth surgery," She went on, not caring that her voice was like poison to my ears.

Noticing this woman's friendly nature, her lack of shyness, and her complete disregard for what not to say and where, I decided that I would have to say something. I raised myself from the curb I was resting on and asked,

"So how long have you been a waitress?"

"How did you know I wait tables?," She replied, sounding slightly offended. I decided that this conversation couldn't get any better from there, and deicded to finish off my cigarette in the relative quiet of waiting to die people. I brushed the wetness off the ass of my pants and headed inside to the waiting room again.

"Blood Mummy to emergency, Blood Mummy to emergency," The PA garbled like an am radio broadcasting through a hobo's fillings. I watched as the Mummy stood up from her chair, and straightened the towel around her head. She picked up the bag of the woman next to her, and walked with her arms straight out so as not to bump into anything.

He he, I thought Blood Mummy... I get it now

I got in front of her and told her to follow my footsteps into the emergency room. We passed through the security checkpoint, and headed down the long corridor to the beds. I would later realize that as we walked past a particularly narrow hallway, the sound of an MRI machine clanking away would replace the sound of my footsteps and send the Mummy towards the technical wing of the hospital. In retrospect, this could have been avoided, but looking back takes too much effort.

I walked up to the sign in table.

"Are you the Blood Mummy?" The nurse asked politely.

"No She's..." Looking behind me I realized she was lost, " going to be here in a minute, where's her bed?"

The nurse lead me to a quiet corner. It was nothing fancy, just a sink, a draw curtain, and a bed.

"She'll be here soon?" The nurse asked, looking a bit confused as to why I would have entered the emergency room withouth the patient.

I shrugged my shoulders and pulled closed the draw curtains closed. As the world circled and danced around, The Suffra went to bed on a gurney, while The Blood Mummy sat and tried to get medical attention and advice out of a coffee machine in the doctors' lounge.

It seems that Adventures in Patriotism part 1 was lost due to technical difficulties (Suffra blames writer{Writer blames internet})

normally The Suffra wouldn't give a shit about losing one post, but this was to be his first attempt at a series... well that's pretty much fucked now.

So, if you haven't read Adventured in Patriotism part one... here's a brief synopsis

Suffra's brother and girlfriend return home on the fourth of july drunk, while the suffra recovers from a serious flu... and all of this is hysterically funny.

Suffra's Brother (Suffbro) is made to look the fool (prompting the request never to be written into another suffra story again) as his girlfriend in a drunken haze jumps around like a moron and cracks her head open... big laughs

Suffra, being the only sober person, is forced to begin his fourth of July journey...

this was also the beginning of a would be running gag about the word "morrow" which will be left in to the rest of the posts due to the fact that, fuck you all.

So consider that the lost episode in the life of the Suffra.. those of you who read it can snobishly claim true allegiance to the Suffra's witt until of course it resurfaces just in time for, "The Suffra Chronicles: Everything You've read online, in book form that you pay for"...

The book was to be due out in september, but due to distribution problems (no distro) publishing problems (no publisher) and technical dificulties (no material), it has been delayed

Adventures in Patriotism II:

"You owe me you bastard," The Suffra muttered under his breathe as he went to start the car

He gets to go to sleep when HIS girlfriend hurt herself on HIS watch I thought as I cleared coffee cups from the front seat, grabbing my pack of cigarettes of the seat and shoving them into my shirt pocket.

The night sky was fogged up with the afterglow of hundreds of home fireworks display. I stared at the front door, waiting. Like watching a microwave tick down, expecting the second to pass to soon... it's the anticipation that kills. It's almost as if I didn't want to see... The scene of the accident was grotesque, and the sounds of wailing coming from the upstairs bathroom, while Suffbro ran in and out slamming doors, bringing fresh towels.

Suffbro lead her out of the front door, not that she had trouble keeping balance... she just couldn't get her bearings well with a beach blanket wrapped turban style around her head. The fact that the towel was covering her eyes probably didn't help with her navigation either, but that was The Suffra's request... Cover anything that could possibly bleed, expel any type of liquid onto the Sentra, and try to stop her from crying... that would explain the ball gag...

Suffbro sat her on the car seat, "Suffra, DON'T STOP ANYWHERE ON THE WAY...”
My sarcasm kicked on like a knee-jerk reaction, I stared at the blood mummy sitting next to me, "Like where? OTB?"

Suffbro, visibly upset, "Don't act like you wouldn't ass fuck, “the catching his breath turned to the blood mummy, "Blood Mummy, I want you to know that whatever happens to you in that hospital it will in NO WAY affect our morrow."

"What THE FUCK YOU!?," She muffle screamed from beneath the ball gag, and began to wail deeper.

"OH LOOK WHAT THE FUCK YOU DID," I screamed over the deep sobs, "tighten the gag another notch."

The ride to the hospital with the blood mummy was uneventful. The road was littered with the cardboard shells of kid's dynamite. Cops trolled the darkened back streets looking for those few kids who spent enough money to keep blowing fireworks this close to dawn. And most importantly, the Blood Mummy wailed like a five year old in a restaurant for the entire drive. I consider myself an emphatic being, that's why I waited five minutes into the steady wailing before I began chainsmoking and cursing at her over her screams.

The hospital was just where I left it, just as I left it, the sterile lighting buzzed down on the sea of misfortune that was the waiting room. I pointed the Mummy towards the sign in desk and stared out at the waiting room.

Primtime I thought staring out at the crowd of eight year olds with their mom's holding sandwich bags filled with ice and missing digits, and a good amount of adults, much more mature, and able to hold their own sandwich bags.

"M- U- M- M- Y" I heard from behind me, turning to see the blood mummy still leaning on the part of the vending machine she walked straight into, trying to elicit a response. I ran up behind her and lead her to the real sign in desk, and of course signed her in.

"So what exactly happened," underpaid overworked nurse lady directed the question at me, eyeballing the bloody beach towel, and poking at the ball gag.

"She fell down," I said, "hit her head."

The nurse wrote down "beaten by Suffra,"

... "You know me?" I said slightly confused, "and I'm considered a condition?" I went on slightly flattered...

The nurse finished up checking up on the Mummy.

"You better keep your head down," she said,
"There's a room full of emergency room doctors who'd like to thank you for the overtime pay"


"understood," I said knocking my lit cigarette into the trash, "that should be adequate disguise," Reached towards my lips and experienced my first phantom pains.

We headed back to the waiting room and sat.

"You think it'll be long?" The Mummy asked.

I looked out at the waiting room once again. With all those lost limbs out there, I was sure her head wound guaranteed her to wait till sunrise, but I couldn't tell her that in her condition...

"Yea good luck getting in there before dawn asshole," I muttered through my teeth, "There are dying people here not getting a chance to go in."

"HEY SHUT UP ASSHOLE, WE'LL SURVIVE JUST FINE."

I grabbed a pack of cigarettes out of my front pocket, "yeah good luck with that," rising from my chair, "K' mummy don't move, I'm going for a smoke."

To be continued (yeah that's right... again)